Romanes Eunt Domus: Yes Greg, I stole your line

So let’s say that you’re walking around the Church and you find yourself in that hallway that everyone knows about but nobody ever really talks about; that dreary passage that the janitor never seems to get too, where the lights don’t work real well and the wallpaper’s long since gone out of style.

And let’s say you open up the first door that you come to and you find it’s full of lepers, lepers lepers everywhere and not a drop to drink, all of them picking and scratching at their sores while they go on and on about how much God must hate terrible sinning leperousy lepers like themselves. Over in the corner you see George who runs the PowerPoint on Sunday mornings, and he’s saying something like “I love the naked boobies and the hot teen lesbians too much for God to ever love me” and that’s maybe more than you really wanted to know about George, but it just gets better because look! There’s Nancy the church secretary and she’s all “God could never love me because I’ve had an orgasm” and now you’re all LALALALALA because you didn’t ever want to hear those words coming out of a seventy-five year old woman. It’s pretty hard to get a word in edgewise what with all the wailing and gnashing and pretty soon you give up and head further down the hallway.

There’s another door along the way and the people behind it are surprisingly quite, given that they’re, you know, whores. Lot’s of quiet murmuring and sentences that end in “I’d like to, but”, “it’s just not realistic” or “well, I know that Jesus said it was a sin, but he didn’t have to live with her!”. Everyone’s really polite but you don’t dare let them start talking because you can’t get them to shut up. One of the ushers is in here and once he recognized you he started going on and on and on and it wasn’t until he’d been at it for twenty minutes that you realized that when he said “I’m just trying to do what’s best for my family” what he really meant was “All those folks with funny names started moving into the neighborhood”. The Excuse/Asshole ratio isn’t looking good and you know it’s time to bug out when Mark the keyboardist starts explaining why he thinks it’s all right that he bought a Lexus last year.

There’s one last door at the end of the hall and behind it you find Satan! Maybe you’re like me and don’t really believe in Satan but we sort of need him to advance the plot so here he is! You ask him what he’s wearing a toga for because you’d always pictured him as a Banana Republic sort of guy but it turns out he’s playing dress up – he’s the Ghost of Good Friday Past. While you’re trying to figure out what he means by this, Nancy sticks her head in the door. Before she can say anything, Old Scratch just nods and winks and she leaves as quickly as she came (so to speak), and he (the devil) tells you they love it when he agrees with them. Agrees with them? Oh yes, they all want to know if they’re still just lepers and whores and the Devil is always on hand to reassure them that nothing’s changed. They don’t like that part much, but at least they can tell themselves that they were right all along, and everybody likes to be right, even if they don’t really like what they’re right about.

So now you’re all “Check the date Holmes!” because Good Friday is so two days ago and it’s Easter now and none of this woe is me shit’s going to cut the mustard anymore. You’re running back down the hall, telling the whores that Christ may have died for their 401k, but he sure as the fuck didn’t rise for it, and you’re grabbing lepers by their sackcloth and telling them to cowboy up and confess already so they can get on with the business of the Kingdom.

Because He’s Risen goddamnit – And just because we’ve got to live in this Good Friday world doesn’t mean we need to act as though we like it.

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