Okay

I'm going to talk about something that some of you may find a little... icky. If you don't really want to look inside the world of the corporate men's room, read no further. I'm serious - this will be your only warning.

So I'm the washroom this morning, reading the paper while I answer the call of nature. I can't speak for the ladies here (on accounts of the fact that I amn't one), but the morning constitutional is one of the highlights of western culture. Done right, it's a truly moving experience (Sorry, couldn't resist). Now, to be blunt, I'm the sort of guy who likes to get in and out with a minimum of noise, mainly because I don't want the fellow three stalls down wondering I'm contagious or just needing to cut back on the whole grains. It's that innate modesty thing.

So, to get back to the story, I'm in the men's room, getting comfortable when I hear the occupant of the stall next to me grunt. Not an eyes-squeezed-shut-veins-popping-out-of-the-forehead kind of grunt, just a quiet little got-some-blockage-here-need-to-lean-into-it sort of thing. Not pleasant, particularly, but not out of the ordinary I suppose, given where we were at. One has certainly heard far worse, and so one turned to the sports section.

And a little bit later, it came again.

And, as I was finishing up the classifieds, there it was again.

I had a real urge to suggest to whomever was working so hard to create a hemorrhoid that he may need to review his dietary intake. Maybe, I don't know, follow that bacon, egg and sausage platter with a prune juice chaser or two. Perhaps pass on the triple cheeseburger and try a fucking apple or something.

Just because he wants to abuse his colon doesn't mean the rest of us want to hear about it.

Anyways, enjoy the weekend....

Comments

[Brandon]

Benjamin, an attitude? Oh...pshaw.

[Benjamin]

I guess I'm going to have to write about poo & masturbation more often - it seems to have struck a chord...

[Brandon]

It's actually funny how many of my twenty and thirty something audience to a story about shitting myself, too. A lesson? I hope not.

[Benjamin]

Well, apparently we just need to write what we know....

[Brandon]

Indeed. Game o---on.