Okay

I'm going to talk about something that some of you may find a little... icky. If you don't really want to look inside the world of the corporate men's room, read no further. I'm serious - this will be your only warning.

So I'm the washroom this morning, reading the paper while I answer the call of nature. I can't speak for the ladies here (on accounts of the fact that I amn't one), but the morning constitutional is one of the highlights of western culture. Done right, it's a truly moving experience (Sorry, couldn't resist). Now, to be blunt, I'm the sort of guy who likes to get in and out with a minimum of noise, mainly because I don't want the fellow three stalls down wondering I'm contagious or just needing to cut back on the whole grains. It's that innate modesty thing.

So, to get back to the story, I'm in the men's room, getting comfortable when I hear the occupant of the stall next to me grunt. Not an eyes-squeezed-shut-veins-popping-out-of-the-forehead kind of grunt, just a quiet little got-some-blockage-here-need-to-lean-into-it sort of thing. Not pleasant, particularly, but not out of the ordinary I suppose, given where we were at. One has certainly heard far worse, and so one turned to the sports section.

And a little bit later, it came again.

And, as I was finishing up the classifieds, there it was again.

I had a real urge to suggest to whomever was working so hard to create a hemorrhoid that he may need to review his dietary intake. Maybe, I don't know, follow that bacon, egg and sausage platter with a prune juice chaser or two. Perhaps pass on the triple cheeseburger and try a fucking apple or something.

Just because he wants to abuse his colon doesn't mean the rest of us want to hear about it.

Anyways, enjoy the weekend....

Comments

[Brandon]

You're sure he wasn't masturbating, right?

[Benjamin]

Well, I guess I hadn't thought of that. Not all of us have our minds in the gutter like you and the McCartys.

[Brandon]

You are a judgemental fucker, aren't you? See, he could have been flogging the bishop.

[Benjamin]

Or shaking up a meat martini?

[Brandon]

Or doing a little hand to gland combat.

[Benjamin]

Or maybe he was releasing the hostages....

[Brandon]

Or shooting the pump action porridge gun...

[Benjamin]

Or sharpening his pencil...

[Brandon]

Or slapping the purple headed yogurt pistol...

[Benjamin]

Or stirring the baby-batter....

[Brandon]

Or charming the one eyed trouser snake...

[Benjamin]

Or spreading the population paste...

[Brandon]

Or tickling the little Yul Brenner...

[Benjamin]

or firing the Death Star....

[Brandon]

Or swinging the purple veined kidney stabber...

[Benjamin]

Or doing your chores...

[Ol Cranky]

I just peed my pants!

[Benjamin]

Well, I've never heard it called that before, but uhmm... whatever floats your boat (or trees your cat, spanks your monkey, and/or tickles your wookie)

[Brandon]

Or takes the dachshund for a walk in knuckleville...

[Joan]

"I was cleaning my gun and it went off" (not applicable to women).

Come to think of it, I've never really heard any colorful descriptions for females, other than "jilling off".

[Brandon]

Hey Joan, how about:

Applying the fingernail polish...

[JoeG]

Bangin' the beat box?

Puckering the lips?

[Ol Cranky]

Sadly, I meant literally. I laughed so hard at this I peed my pants!

[Brandon]

I think Benjamin probably got fired for this post.

[Ol Cranky]

He can come work for my company, this sort of attitude would get him promoted. We're warped little f-ers!